Happy Mothering Day!

You know how they say when you grow up then you'll really appreciate your mom?! Yeah, its true. There's been a handful of times I've told my mom, sorry for me being at this  or that stage, thanks for still loving me!, and I"m sure it will keep happening. Cause now, I get it, at least to a 13 year old stage.
Today I was talking to RD about how awesome it is to have littler kids at home, how awesome Mother's Day is with them, and how it's a sweet gift for being in the throes of often being overwhelmed with their needs. Like how Aubree woke me up, saying "Mommy, it's Mother's day, you need to wake up!" cause she was so anxious to start the day she was so excited about, to give me hugs and kisses and say happy mother's day and all the "gift cards" she's made me (which are scribbled notes drenched in tape).

     I don't know what it's like to be a mom with grown kids on Mother's Day, or a woman wishing for kids, but my own feelings have varied through the years. A lot of the time I feel like I'm not doing a good enough job. I mean, frankly, I could always be better, cause I'm not perfect, which can be discouraging.
    This was the first year though that I also felt the pang of loss. I hesitate to share cause it's tender, but really, there's not many of you, and I wish it weren't so hard to talk about. There's advice out there to wait till you are past the first trimester to announce a pregnancy, and I always thought, why, don't you want the support if you lose a baby? But when we were expecting, it seemed easier to wait till we at least had a sure due date. A few days after RD got a new job offer at BYU, we found out we'd also be having a new baby. We were very excited, and I was nervous about being sick again.  Circumstances were such we told a few people. When we found out five weeks later our baby wasn't growing right, I was heart-broken, and was so glad a few people knew. We lost the baby right before we moved, with some problems that took me to the hospital, and I was SO grateful for those mothering hearts that served and comforted me that day. That was a really hard time. As soon as I knew I was pregnant I loved that baby, and for five weeks I wondered who it would be. Of course I know miscarriages are common, but I never think it'll be me, and that worry wouldn't stop me loving. When how many kids we had would come up in conversation for that 5 weeks, I'd think in my head, 5! But now there was a whole person who wouldn't be part of our family, and I don't even get to say they are part of our family.  I would worry I didn't get to keep the baby because I wouldn't be a good enough mom, even as I told myself that's not true. I still cry sometimes, like when RD was telling me how they finally recorded that when a egg turns into an embryo it gives off light. I can't find any doctrine that talks about when a baby becomes part of your forever family; I don't know if ours ever had a heartbeat. Does that matter? When I put on my mother's heart necklace today, I thought about our lost baby that's not represented. Do I have four or five kids? I don't know, but I believe God talks to us, so I asked Him. I didn't get a clear answer to my question, but I did get an assurance of love and comfort that in the end, it would be ok, and whatever the answer was, I would be fine with it when I learned it.
     RD was talking with the kids this week and encouraging them to do things to help and honor me as their mother, and I really liked what he said to them about honoring. We've been reading in the Book of Mormon about the battles between the Lamanites and Nephites and the group of 2000 warriors from the Ammonites, and how they honored their mothers and their teachings, and were blessed.  I hope I honor my mother, by living by the truth and values she embraces and lives and taught. I can appreciate more her own struggles losing four babies late term or newborn, and a miscarriage, and honor her faith and strength and desire to have and love children. In the same way I try to honor my Heavenly Mother, and other women who taught and showed me the way to live with happiness and peace, during times of joy and grief. As much as I'd love for our kids to not argue on Mother's Day (which has never happened so far) what I want most is for them to live a life true to the truths that I have tried to live and teach, in spite of my many daily mistakes and failures. Maybe the greatest gift they can give me is to love me and see the best in me despite all my failings, the same way my mother and my Heavenly parents love me. And with their sweet hand-drawn cards and 'best mom' notes they already do. That is a wonderful gift, and one we can give to anyone. Thanks for being a great mom, Mom. I love you, and you're the best mom in the world :)